新年快乐。。。

2004年接近尾声了。

多事的一年，天灾人祸或许是天注定，或许是命，震撼的当儿，也改变了生活。

别说灾祸不关你的事。

别说我国地理位置很好，不会被波及。

有人瞬间失去身边的人。。。却也有人因此更珍惜所拥有的。

所谓：经一事，长一智。

回头看的时候，别忘了展望将来。

明天或许不会来，所以今天就要过的更充实。

2005年的来临，或许会更好。

新年快乐。

对爷爷的思念

今天乘搭地铁的时候，看到了一位面容安详的老伯伯。突然间，很想念爷爷。算算看，爷爷过世也有十二年了。时间过的真快。

记得小时候，爷爷常带我下楼买东西。都忘了买什么了，只记得爷爷几乎每天都会牵着我的小手，过条小马路慢慢走到那排商店。还记得那排商店的大牌是“173”，所以我们时常都说“到173去买东西”。那时候，听到这句话就高兴得不得了，好像是要出远门似的。有一次，我们被困在电梯里，小小年纪的我还号啕大哭呢。

我还记得小时候，我是用潮州话和爷爷交谈。很奇怪，我们七个内外孙当中，只有我会用潮州话和爷爷聊天。爷爷不大喜欢拍照，我们小时候又很皮，常常趁着爷爷不注意的时候拿起傻瓜相机偷拍。现在想起来还觉得满庆幸的，要不然可能我们连一张爷爷的相片都没有。

一直以为爷爷会看到我出嫁的那天，他，却在我中二的时候过身了。我也不知道爷爷到底得了什么病，只知道他的身体每况愈下。那天老爸原本不要上班的，却被爷爷赶去做工。我想这就是注定的吧，那天早上，爷爷就去世了。整个葬礼，我一滴眼泪都没流。看到妈妈爸爸，三位姑姑哭得像泪人一样，我和弟弟却一滴眼泪也没流。妹妹当时还小，不懂事也就算了，我们俩却？

隔年的除夕夜，我和弟弟两人突然崩溃，哭了。哭得稀里哗啦。那种突然觉悟了的感觉，那种“爷爷真的不在了，他真的不回来了”的感觉。餐桌上少了一双筷子一个碗，少了一个至爱的亲人。。。那年的除夕和新年，过的很灰暗。。。

没了爷爷，对有些从来没见过爷爷的人来说可能没什么。对我，却是非笔墨所能形容。爷爷永远活在我的心中。。。若干年后，他依然会出现在我的脑海里，勾起所有的思念。。。

Pretty Baby...

It's so quiet in the office... We have the Christmas + New Year closure holidays this week actually, but I'm back in the office so that I can do some work without being disturbed. Not that I am really hardworking, but I am going to clear my holidays at a later date. :)

Something about coming back to office when it is super quiet. It takes discipline to work. Yes. Alot of discipline. I tell you, for the whole morning, I have been surfing the web, walking around aimlessly, eating Ruffles potato chips... tsk tsk... and now, blogging... TSK TSK TSK.

Since I am blogging, maybe I should just show some cute pictures... hehehe...







Cute hor? Not my kids... my friend's girl and neighbour's boy. All the funny faces. And they do the darnest things sometimes. Like pictures 2 and 3. Ming-Ge is really funny. He behaves like a kampung kid, running around barefooted and rolling on the floor outside the house. Even after bathing. So cute... haha.

Disclaimer: Don't ask me to go have one of my own. It's too scary...

天灾

南亚9级地震波及到在数千里外的地方，死伤人数数以万千。

度假胜地在区区5分钟的时间，化为废墟。

看到电视荧幕上的画面，觉得心惊胆跳。。。急忙传简讯给正在泰国度假的友人，还好他没事。

要来就来，没有办法预知预防，这些或许真的是命中注定。有人说：“出国记得买保险，有什么事情，至少家属还有点保障。”没错啊。。。可是我好像记得保单中不包括天灾。。。如果真的遇到了天灾，有保险又如何？

唉，梦寐以求的假期，变成了噩梦。。。

爱和信任

老掉牙的课题。

爱一个人就要信任他。

有爱就会有信心，没爱不代表没信心。

不信任因为爱得不够深，爱得不够深因为没自信/信心/不懂爱/不懂他/不踏实。

比方说今天在信箱里/书桌上看到一封寄给他的浅紫色信封，而信封已经开过，你会看还是不看？

比方说他把手机放在你家，你是否会查看他的简讯？

又比方说他今天不陪你吃饭而是约了别人，你是否会跟踪他看看他是不是和别的女人吃饭？

看到了不该看的东西，不吐不快，一见面便拿着证据要他从实招来，惹来一身蚁。

男人说：“我要自己的空间，你侵犯我的隐私权，我们分手吧。”

女人说：“如果你爱我的话，你会把所有的事情都告诉我，不会有所隐瞒。那我又何必这样做？”

唉，大错特错。女人，谁没有过去？换成是你被“监视”着，你忍受得了吗？说穿了，你根本没自信，对这份爱情没信心，对爱人不信任，任凭你怎么解释，那还是铁一般的事实，因为你已经超越了那条黄线。

致：Grace Chow

'After a three-year battle against Death, he came to take her. She stopped breathing tonight, without pain, without suffocation or paralysis.'

如果没有明天，你今天会做什么？

如果没有明天，你会不顾一切贪婪地享受最后的温存吗？

如果没有明天。。。

生命总会到蜡炬成灰的时候。当你知道自己将不久于人世，你会继续保有最后的尊严勇敢的活下去，还是自怨自艾埋怨着上帝的不公平？她或许埋怨过了，却中途醒悟，充实地度过剩余的岁月。。。

想要做的事情，若不把握这一刻，可能永远不会实现。在身体于毫无警告下失去了原有的功能，原来理所当然的都会成为遥不可及。你我都不能了解她所承受的痛。。。

痛不欲生侵袭了未亡人，也牵引着不曾谋面的无名人士。那份坚强勇敢，无人可及。

安息吧。

我爱你、你爱她？

周围有些朋友的感情生活多姿多彩，让我吃惊之余，也少不了反复思考一个问题，一个历久不衰的问题：被爱比较幸福抑或是爱人比较好？

常听人家说：“爱到那么辛苦，与其爱一个不爱你的人，不如被爱你的人宠着，简单多了。”

是这样的吗？爱，若能以这么直接的方式来衡量，就不叫“爱”了。

你爱的人不理你，你还是会想尽办法让他开心，让他注意到你的存在。

相反的，爱你的人对你有多好就有多好，你会正眼看他一下吗？

看到了没？这根本就是恶性循环，没有破解的密码，没有双赢的状况。

爱情终究要跟着感觉走。。。只怕你搞不清楚状况，最后弄得体无完肤。

Presence of the beloved

Something I received in the mail...
=====================================
A man going abroad to work leaves his fiancée crying. "Don't worry, I will write you everyday," he said.

For years he did write her. But since he was happy with his job, he had no immediate plans of going home.

One day, he received a wedding invitation. His girlfriend was scheduled to be married. To whom? To the mailman bringing regularly the letters of her boyfriend!

Indeed, distance does make hearts flounder. The poor boyfriend surely explained, "What went wrong? I sent her letters, chocolates, and flowers."

When relationships go wrong, the list of things given and done for the person usually crops up. We say, "I have given you this and that... I have done these things for you." It seems that love is simply proven by the bestowal of gifts and favors. But while presents are important, love demands what is basic: 'presence of the beloved'.

I have observed for instance, the orchids of my mother's. When she's away for a long time, they are unhealthy and many of them wither. But when she is around, they bloom with beautiful flowers. My mother does nothing exceptional. She just spends much time talking and caressing them. I guess persons all the more require a caring presence.

Love is fundamentally a commitment to a person. We may be committed to our business, job, hobby, sports and clubs. But strictly speaking, they cannot love us back. Only a person can love us in return, and for that matter, the highest commitment as human beings, is spending time with those persons we love. And since people need affection and nourishment, material things can only help up to a certain degree in fostering love. But it can never replace the greatest gift of presence because everyone needs someone - be it friends, parents, siblings or simply that 'special' one.

Being there for someone need not necessary mean having to say much. Words are sometimes redundant. Remember that 'presence' (to be there for someone) is more than enough. "What Is Most Valuable Is Not What You Have In Your Life, But Who You Have In Your Life" In our pursuits, let's not neglect spending quality time with the most important person of our lives.

Travelogue: Bintan, Indonesia

I've been away for the past 3 days. It was a last minute short getaway. A quickie, as some people might call it. Where did I go? It's all in the header... yes, I went to Bintan, Indonesia. My 3rd time at Bintan, I thought I might just as well write about it. Haha...

I was to leave Singapore on Sunday, 12 Dec. I had this craving for crispy prata @ Sin Ming, so before we were supposed to depart, we went for cripsy prata and masala chicken. Good prata! But the masala chicken was a tad disappointing. Too tough, the meat. Even though they gave us drumstick and thigh. Incidentally, the parts I hate most. Don't ask me why. I just hate thighs and drumsticks.

For some reason, my boyfriend had to go fill up his petrol tank after the prata meal. Wanted to prevent the tank from rusting, he said. As he was paying for his petrol, I suddenly had the urge to look at my ferry ticket again.

I was being paranoid, but I just had to be sure... that I got the day correct... and ...

To my horror, I got the date alright, but I got the timing WRONG! The ferry was leaving in 20 mins from Tanah Merah Ferry Terminal and there was no way we could reach there in time!

It was PANIC BUTTON depressed. I searched for the phone number (the number on the confirmation mail had 1 number MORE), and tried my luck calling them... in the petrol station! I know it is bad, but I couldn't help it. I was too panicky to be thinking straight. I mean, who could be so "dai tao har" (read: big headed prawn, or blur in cantonese) to forget such details? To think I even looked at the ticket before I left my house, but somehow it just didn't register?

Anyway, I managed to call them and was told that the 12 noon ferry was available. Alot of seats available, I was told. Thank God. Come to think of it, maybe it was my punishment for missing church for a month?!?!

Anyway, we managed to reach TMFT in time for the amendment which costed us $10 extra, and managed to check-in our luggage. Our golf bags and his trolley bag, the lazy bugger. :P

Then finally, on the ferry, I heaved a sigh of relief... but not for long.

Mind you, this is the monsoon season... the sea is rough... the ferry wasn't full alright, we were seated in the front, watching Vivian Lai's face being painted like a female PCK and laughing our butts off. Then the ferry became like the viking. The viking that bobbed up and down on the choppy waters. One by one, the passengers took out that bright blue puke bag, and started to look terribly sick. One by one, the affected lot walked to the back of the ferry. I tried to be strong, I didn't take out the blue bag, but I was pretty sure my face was green... Meanwhile, my boyfriend was enjoying the silly "Gotcha" episode on TV Mobile and saying "yah... this is nothing. I've experienced 45 degree rolls before, when I was out on an exercise with the Navy in army..." I wanted to punch him.

I think they showed "Gotcha" so that people could forget about how horrible the ride was.

Well, finally they reached Bintan... and I was so glad we were on land. Thank goodness my legs didn't turn jelly when I stood up. Otherwise that would have been so embarassing...

This time round, we stayed at the Nirwana Resort Hotel. On the way to the resort, I was telling my boyfriend how we have downgraded... so sad... the first time we went to Bintan, we stayed at Banyan Tree, the 2nd time, at Angsana, now, Nirwana... you get the picture. I just hope if we go there again, we wouldn't end up pitching a tent somewhere or something.

Speaking of Banyan Tree, let me tell you this. The tiramisu there is totally heavenly... muah! It's one of the best I've eaten, not too dry, not too wet. Consistency is just nice, it's got the oomph! Wa... I can just eat it alone, with nothing else... yummy! Anyway, I digress...

Reached Nirwana, found that the rooms were not ready yet. It was about 12.30pm Bintan time, they being 1 hr behind us, and the check-in was supposed to be @ 3pm. 2.5 hrs to go, yikes. Left out bags at the concierge and went for lunch. A quick one at the poolside restaurant before exploring the place. Looks ok, but a little old. They've got a few shops in the resort for you to buy all your necessities from souvenirs to anti-motion sickness pills. We also managed to walk to the nearby resorts... well to be exact, they are from the same parent company operating under different names. And then... the rain came down. I mean, it poured.

Finally, the time came for check-in. Hehehehe... we got upgraded to a suite! Woohoo! One of the most exciting things is to get upgraded... cheapskate.



That's how our room looks like, image linked from nirwana's website. And we only paid 155++ for a suite that normally costs $500++! Cool.... Not bad, the place was clean, the bathtub was clean, the balcony was great, unfortunately we could only see part of the sea... the rest of it was blocked by the poolside restaurant and coconut trees without coconuts.

Well after checking in, we decided we should explore the place further. There was this internal shuttle that would take us to mana mana, mayang sari, indra maya and the kelong. We decided that we should try the food at the kelong. Heard it served great fresh cheap seafood.

So we went.

And we paid $120 Sing. Yap. It was $120 Sing. But let me tell you what we ate...

Double boiled scallop soup with fish maw
Aussie cod fish steamed
Scallops in taro basket
Sambal Kangkong
A slightly-longer-than-a-foot fresh lobster steamed with garlic
Black pepper crab
Fruits

Oh my... it was faaantastic! Finger-licking good! Fresh sweet seafood! Freaking high cholesterol! But heck! The meal in Singapore would have easily set us back by $180, so... we were really satisfied!

On the 2nd day, we decided to go for a golf game. Wasn't sure if the weather was going to hold, but we tried our luck anyway. But before that... let me tell you, we saw fresh bacon during breakfast. You know how bacon looks right? From the supermarket? It's almost always cured. With loads of salt. Now this bacon (beef, while I'm at that) is fresh. A pile of them. It tasted good... not too salty, not too bland. Just nice.

Ok ok, back to the golf game. We played at the bintan lagoon golf course. Because it was the cheapest. I was told Ria Bintan is the most scenic, but it is also more expensive. Bintan Lagoon course is cheaper, so we played there. For the first time in my life, I had a caddy following us during a golf game. How embarassing! I mean, we are not big shots who play very well you know, mind you, the last time I played was 3 months ago on a simple flat golf course off Science Centre! Disaster.

The course, however, was beautiful. The Jack Nicklaus Seaview course was breathtaking, with the ocean flanking some of the holes, and water traps all over the place.

The Ian Baker Finch Woodlands course was undulating, very challenging with sand traps as many as 5 in one hole and full of monkeys. Yap, we met some very fierce monkeys who threatened to pinch our belongings away!

Anyway I played horribly. My boyfriend was slightly better, but not that fantastic either. I was going from bunker to bunker, some of the shots just rolled across the fairway and he was slicing and hooking. The caddy must have been cursing and swearing about being assigned to us! I think it was because we felt bad... that we gave her a gift of samosas and chicken pie after that... :P

So we went back to the hotel after the game, and went straight to the pool. It was an infinity pool, looked really great, and had huge strong water jets in the "jacuzzi" area. Cool. I can't swim for nuts, and I think I almost died trying to swim to the edge of the pool looking out to the sea. Haha. I ended up just going back to the deck chair. My boyfriend, was having fun in the pool. He went to the pool bar situated right in the middle... ok, side of the pool, the only way to get there is to swim, for a drink. Poor me, I was dying of thirst... but I can't swim for nuts, remember? I'd rather die of thirst than to die of drowning. At least I won't look any more bloated than now.

This time round for dinner, we went to this new swanky Thai restaurant called Baan Aarya in the vicinity. Very good ambience, nice staff and service, and good food. I think it is the holiday syndrome. Just kept saying that the food was nice... but it really is! The Tom Yum Talay (Seafood Tom Yum Soup) was really tasty, nice and spicy and the fried noodles and green curry was authentic. The kitchen is ran by 2 Thais, I think that's why.

Finally, it was time to go back to Singapore. I think subconsciously, we both started to feel abit depressed. The thought of having to go back to work just as we were winding down was unthinkable. But... it was inevitable. Well, wait for the next trip! That's all I can say...

Want to travel to Bintan? Here are some tips for you.

1. Check in your luggage, whether big or small.
It is so much easier, just boarding the ferry without carrying anything.

2. Bring your checkpoint access card.
Apply for one, if you don't have. The queue at the immigration counter was LONG. The queue for access card? Zero.

3. Jan - Mar is the best time to go there.
Waters are in better condition for water sports. Weather is also less rainy then.

4. If on budget, eat at pasar oleh oleh.
The restaurants in the resorts are either in SGD or USD. Can be pricey... just like restaurants in SGP. Pasar Oleh Oleh has rates like the "ze char" stall in coffeeshops.

问世间情为何物？直教生死相许。。。

每一次在报纸上看到很悲惨的新闻，感觉都有点“事不关己”。就是那种“对啊，好可怜哦，可是离我太远了”的感觉。你明白我在说什么吗？

那天，朋友听了电话后，失声痛哭。她的两位同学蜜月时遇车祸，当场死亡。。。最近有看报纸吗？就是那对新婚不久的夫妇。。。

突然之间，真的觉得世事无常。这一次或许因为是朋友的朋友，竟然觉得心里闷闷的。是那种“原来悲剧离我那么近”的感觉。。。两个相爱的人，情投意合，刚刚开始新生活，却遭遇到不幸。想象着新人在婚礼上灿烂的笑容，紧握着对方的双手，憧憬着未来美满的生活，却因为一时的不慎，魂断异乡。那种震荡，你了解吗？

那天所发生的事情，是一个谜。。。这样的悲剧，往往让至亲挚爱悲痛欲绝。可是转个弯，这样的结局会不会更好？至少不会有任何一方得要承受丧偶之痛？这也为他们的爱情蒙上了一点凄美、浪漫？

人活在世上，真的是人算不如天算，今天不知明天事。。。

最后

今天，是最后一次了。当决赛落幕后，这8年来的赛事，也只能成回忆。

从1996年开始为丰嘉南英式女篮球队出赛，几乎年年都有很好的成绩。丰嘉南变成了油池，我们一群人还是继续打（油池是在丰嘉集选区里，所以大家都能代表油池）。球队当中，有人已经打了20年，从小打到大。球队的感情，好的不得了。在一个选区的队伍有这样感情深厚的例子，没几个。。。

记得每一年，只要夺得冠军，我们一群人都会出国玩玩。玩乐回来，又是开始准备下一年的赛事。今年我们也不例外，进入了决赛，不晓得打完了这一场决赛，会有怎样的感觉？

要做就做到最好，要不就别做。

很久以前，教练这样对我们一群黄毛丫头说。哪怕只有5分钟的时间，只要被派下场，就要全力以赴，一定要做到最好。That is the moment of truth.

就这样，我们被培养成为一群完美主义者。呵呵。。。什么事情只要下定决心去做，一定要做到最好最好，不能有遗憾，不能过了之后才来觉得惋惜，说“应该”怎么样怎么样。

出来社会后，我们在各自的工作领域中也发挥着那种全力以赴的“精神”，个个变成了工作狂。工作永远做不完，我们却依然把手上的每一件事看得非常认真。It is a moment of truth again, it is either do or die.

或许是凭着这样的信念，大家都无形中为自己添了更多的压力，更多的烦恼。至少自己是这样。从前大考时才出现的偏头痛，最近又回来了。头痛得快裂开，双眼不能focus，还有想呕吐的感觉。很难受，也是历来最严重的一次。从开始工作到现在，有好几年了，回顾一下，虽然上司是满赞赏自己的工作表现，可是健康却大不如前。。。第一年闹胃病，第二年频频感冒加失眠，第三年甲状腺出现问题，第四年出水痘兼偏头痛，第五年。。。 唉。。。

渐渐学习放开超出掌握之中的事物，学习怎样在适当的时候放松。。。Moment of truth 不应该只用在工作上，不应该只用在球场上，或许应该也灵活运用在玩乐上吧？“要做就要做到最好，要玩就要玩得最痛快，要不然，最好什么都别做。。。”

无题

灰灰的天空，细细的雨。

冬天来了吗？虽然这里没四季之分。

渴望看到雪花，这里却看不到。

冷冷的空气让人觉得舒服。。。闭上眼睛马上能幻想自己处在香港或台北的冬天，那种掺着雨的气息的冷冷空气，虽然这里没那么冷。

空中弥漫着圣诞的铃声，告诉大家是时候放慢脚步，回顾过去的一年并展望即将来临的一年。。。

Festive Blues

I'm having a cyclical bout of misery again. I think it's the festive blues...

Realised it's always this time of the year, that I start feeling blue, miserable, bored and lethargic.

The pushing and elbowing of christmas crowd is getting to me, the perennial blasting of "Jingle Bells" is driving me nuts, the headache of finding gifts is aggravating my migraine. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas... it's the repetitive stress syndrome that I can't bear. Getting too commercialised year after year.

The other thing I absolutely dread... the darn question. Well-meaninged relatives and friends asking the exact same question year after year... "when are you getting married?" Hello...! I'll let you all know when the time comes. Don't they get bored of the question? I'm scared of the thought of going to family gatherings... knowing I won't be able to escape the horrible interrogation and the same story of why we should get married being told again and again.

I'm so blue, that I don't feel like writing in chinese, I don't feel like doing anything, I just want to sleep... and hibernate for the rest of the festive shopping season... and escape the questioning.

I swear after the festivities, I will be back to normal again!

关心

很怪的一个词。看看字面，“关心”好像是关上心房，怎么一点都不像我们所认识的“关心”呢？

关心，让人有被爱的感觉。

关心，能使最顽劣的人改变。

关心，也能成为一个人的负担。。。

你认为呢？